I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
