I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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