I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
