I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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