I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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