Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
