Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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