Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
