i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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