I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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