Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
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tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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