I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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