bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You need Xanax blowdarts
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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