its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
