the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
