I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
try to milk me bitch
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
