i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
