rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
