dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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