Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I could fuck to npr.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
