You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
