They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
NoShamevember. You game?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
