Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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