Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
