I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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