i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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