whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
