That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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