he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
