you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
