so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
