my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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