At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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