she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
