hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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