She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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