two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
