I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
