I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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