I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
