I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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