I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
