Who wears a wallet chain?!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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