don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
high people should be assigned attendants
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
