apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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