I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
