i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
