You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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