i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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