i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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