I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
