You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
