He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
