You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
