I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i out mim tonsoeep
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