I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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