you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
