If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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