I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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