WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
